A bloke on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s moving.”

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: “Officer what’s the hold up?”

The officer replies: “It’s a Man Utd fan, he’s just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal last season and again to Chelsea this season, being knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning sod-all after gobbing off all season, selling out to a yank, he’s threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he
has never had a job.

I’m walking around taking a collection for him.” “Oh really?” says the bloke. “How much have you collected so far?”. “Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning.”

Something I got emailed today. Enjoy

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
- Subtle hints do not work!
- Strong hints do not work!
- Obvious hints do not work!
- Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it WILL be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you’re prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight: But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Kindly emailed to me by Mike Holbrook (a friend)